


you told me just to breathe, but then you stole my breath

by majesdane



Category: Skins (UK) RPF
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-10-08
Updated: 2009-10-08
Packaged: 2017-12-06 14:07:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 16,331
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/736531
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/majesdane/pseuds/majesdane
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>"Tell me a story," Kat says.</i>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	you told me just to breathe, but then you stole my breath

because i might not always have you, but i'll have the feeling of you for the rest of my life.  
\-- _pleasefindthis_

 

 

"Tell me a story," Kat says, her head on Lily's shoulder, sitting on the grass in the park beside the water fountain.

"Alright," Lily says and takes a new fag out of her pocket, inhales slowly and is quiet for several long moments. Then she says, "I'll tell you about the first time I met you. It was at Mountview, for that summer acting class. I remember it started at eight o'clock sharp every Saturday morning, lasted until the last week of August. And we put on that play, I don't remember what it was called. Something by Shakespeare with the girl who -- right, _Twelfth Night_."

"Ironic, that," Kat laughs; Lily feels the vibration against her shoulder.

"Anyway," Lily continues, "I remember my mum actually dropped me off for the first class, and so I got there pretty much before everyone else did. I sat in the corner and just waited for everyone to show up. And I heard you coming from a mile away, Kathryn, and you came into the room and I'd never seen anyone with pink hair before, and you were just _smiling_ and I think it was the most beautiful smile I'd ever seen before. I remember thinking something like that. And then thinking, that girl will never talk to me. I was shy, you know; I didn't make friends easily. So I thought, that girl, she's popular, everyone loves her."

She smiles a bit, at the memory. "I was right, too. You were -- are -- popular. And I felt so young compared to you; it was such an odd feeling. Being older but feeling younger. You charmed everyone, including me. _Especially_ , me," she adds, with a laugh.

"And then I cornered you in the bathroom that one time, remember?" Kathryn says, tracing circles on the exposed skin of Lily's thigh, where her skirt doesn't reach. "We were both pissed at some party and we ran into each other and I cornered you in the bathroom and kissed you." She pauses. "You didn't pull away. You let me kiss you."

"I remember that," Lily says. "You tasted like cider. And cherries. Must have been an alcopop."

"God, we were so young then," Kathryn sighs, and pulls away a bit so that she can press her lips to Lily's neck, kissing it lightly. "I was fucking like, fourteen then. I'd only just figured out I fancied girls earlier that school year. I hadn't fucked any yet, though. You know, I was dating a bloke. When I kissed you, I mean."

Lily rolls her eyes, puts two fingers under Kathryn's chin and lifts her head up, steals a quick kiss.

"Fucking hell, Kat, don't ruin the memory."

"I'm not," Kat says, kissing Lily's neck again, her fingers inching up a bit higher on Lily's thigh. "You were the first girl I ever kissed, too."

"Well, that makes me feel a bit better then." Lily grins rather smugly, and it's Kat's turn to roll her eyes. She pulls Kat in and kisses her properly this time, and Kat tastes like spliff and cherry Coke. Then, "If you fancied me so much, how come after the summer I never saw you again?"

Kathryn says, "Lily, I was _fourteen_. And anyway, school was starting back up again and I had that to worry about. I never actually forgot about you, you know. I just sort of figured that it was what it was, that it had been nice, but it wasn't ever going to happen again."

"I bet you pulled lots of girls after me though, didn't you?"

"Some." Kat flushes at that. "I didn't tell Megan about it right away, you know, about me fancying girls. And well, neither of us ever learned how to knock, and anyway, this wasn't the first girl I'd ever brought home, but it _was_ the first time she'd ever walked in on me with a girl in my bed." She laughs at the memory and Lily finds herself smiling as well, picturing the look on Megan's face.

"She knew then, didn't she?"

"She took it fairly well, actually," Kat says, sounding a bit impressed. "Anyway, she'd snogged girls before as well, and while she preferred blokes, she said I could do whatever the fuck I wanted to do. I probably shouldn't have been surprised; she had one of those Stonewall campaign stickers up on the mirror above her dresser. You know the ones?"

"Yeah."

"I didn't bring any more girls home after that," Kat says. "After that, I usually started -- "

Lily kisses her, to shut her up.

"Right, okay then, I won't talk about all the other bottle blondes that came before you," Kat tells her with a grin, and Lily jabs her playfully in the side with her index finger. Kat giggles, leans in and kisses her, pushing her onto her back and not pulling away until both of them are gasping for breath.

Lily feels her face grow hot. "We're in public, Kathryn."

"So what?" Kat says, unfazed, her cherry-red hair falling down and brushing against Lily's cheeks, nose; she squirms; it tickles. "No one knows who we are. Yet."

"Delusions of grandeur, Kat?"

"No, not at all," Kat says, and kisses her again.

 

;;

 

They get back to the studio just as Kaya and the boys are returning. They'd been given a longer break from lunch than usual; most of the time it was only a quick half-hour or so and then back to makeup to get fixed up, but today was just rehearsals so they'd been given an extra hour. Kat and she had fucked off as soon as possible, had grabbed something to eat at a chip shop then gone to the park.

The park was her favourite place, Kat said. She liked to lie on the grass with her eyes closed and listen to the water falling from the nearby fountain. It was calming, she said, even if it was a bit cold, it being October and all that.

They'd eaten the chips at the park together; Kathryn had a bit of ketchup on the corner of her mouth; Lily had leaned forward and kissed it, which made Kat smile and flush a bit, and it was obvious that neither of them was entirely used to the idea that there _was_ a _them_ to speak of, that somewhere along the way they'd made the awkward transition from kissing just because it was in the script to kissing because they actually _wanted_ to.

Kathryn had produced a spliff while Lily had gone off to get them both Cokes. Lily wasn't too keen about anything more than fags, generally, but Kat seemed to be rubbing off on her a bit, so she'd happily accepted the spliff and taken the first drag of it, feeling the smoke burning her eyes and lungs.

Kat had smiled and kissed her, and they'd spent a good deal of their lunch break smoking in silence, until the spliff was finished up and Kat had moved up close to her and put her head on Lily's shoulder and asked for a story.

"Hey," Kaya says, with a wave, striding over. "What's up? Looking forward to five more hours of rehearsals?"

Kat groans, makes a pained expression. "Please don't remind me. I swear, this is worst part of acting. I wish we could just skip all this and go straight to shooting."

"Are you saying that you didn't like spending countless hours snogging me?" Lily says, pretending to be hurt. "Because, well, you're not such a great kisser that I want your tongue in my mouth _that_ much, Prescott."

"You're a bloody liar," Kat says, shoving her playfully and then instantly reaching forward and pulling Lily back closer to her, knitting her fingers into the front of Lily's jumper and standing up on tiptoe to kiss her. Kaya makes an exaggerated gagging sound in the background and Lily flips her off with two fingers.

"Please, you and Jack are no better," she tells Kaya, who grins and flips her off right back. "Really, though, tell everyone that we'll be right there, okay?"

She turns back to Kathryn before Kaya even gets a chance to answer, pressing a kiss to the bridge of her nose, as Kathryn smiles, eyes fluttering slowly closed as her arms go around Lily's waist and squeeze tightly.

"You're going to make us late," she mumbles into Lily's chest. "And everyone is going to know that we've been out here snogging; I _told_ you not to wear lipstick unless it's a shade that matches mine." She grins. "You're not very good at this whole lesbian thing, are you?"

Lily bumps their noses together, kisses Kathryn chastely. "I'm a slow learner, okay?"

"Lucky you have such an experienced teacher then, yeah?"

"Cheeky," Lily says, as Kat reaches up and pulls her in for a kiss.

 

;;

 

"Nice of you girls to join us," Charles says, when they finally make it to the rehearsal room, ten minutes late.

"Sorry, we were _rehearsing_ ," Kat says, without a bit of shame, and Megan snorts loudly at that, as Kat slides down into the empty seat at the table beside her sister. Lily sits down next to Kat, feeling her face grow hot as everyone watches her flip through to the right page.

"You're twats, both of you," Megan whispers furiously a few minutes later, when the attention has shifted over to Jack and Pass, leaning over and glaring at them. "Honestly, you could at least _pretend_ to be professional about the whole thing."

"For fuck's sake, Megan," Kathryn sighs, sounding bored, as her hand finds Lily's underneath the table and squeezes it gently. "Shut up."

 

;;

 

Kat stays in Lily's room that night, which is thankfully empty, because Klariza's fucked off home, so they don't have to worry about bothering anyone. It's a decidedly nice change, since usually Lily goes over to Kat's room and they have to spend the whole evening listening to Megan making snide remarks about how they're absolutely joined at the hip and far too adorable together for their own good.

They're watching a football game on the telly -- not really watching, though, they've mostly got it on as background noise while they snog, Lily thinks, as Kathryn's hand slides up her shirt and palms her tit through her bra -- when suddenly Lily remembers what they'll be shooting in a few days time, promptly pulls away and sits up, feeling sick.

"What, what's wrong?" Kat asks, sitting back on her knees and looking at her curiously.

"We're shooting JJ's episode next week," Lily says, feeling a lump forming in her throat. "And I was thinking right, about that scene with you and Ollie and -- "

"Don't think about it," Kat interrupts, putting a finger to Lily's lips. "If you think about it, you're going to get all upset, and then I'll get upset, and then I won't be able to get anything right when we're filming. It's no big deal, yeah? It's just one scene. And it doesn't mean anything; it's only acting."

Lily says, " _We_ were supposed to be only acting."

"We're different, you and I," Kathryn tells her quietly, kissing her lightly, tucking a loose strand of hair behind an ear. "We like, had a whole history and everything. Ollie and I are just friends, and honestly, he's sweet, but, no thank you. It's not like he could ever compare to you, anyway. Never."

"Was this what it was like then," Lily asks, "when you had to see me and Jack together? Did it feel like this?"

"Sort of." Kathryn settles down on the bed beside her, curling up into her arms and resting her head on Lily's shoulder. "It hurt more than anything else. But that was before you and I decided to stop being twats and actually tell each other how we felt. It wasn't the same type of thing." She kisses Lily's shoulder, wraps an arm around her and hugs her tightly. "But honestly, don't worry about it, okay?"

Lily kisses the top of her head; Kathryn's hair smells faintly of strawberries and soap. "Only if you promise to make it up to me later."

Kathryn grins. "I think I can manage that, yeah. Now, do you want to watch the game or would you like to continue on course with what we were last doing."

"Oh, watch the game, obviously," Lily's saying, even as she's rolling on top of Kat, pressing her to the bed and kissing her breathlessly.

 

;;

 

It goes on easier than Lily expected; she's hardly even in this episode anyway, so as soon as possible she fucks off to the dressing room to wait for Kat, who just kissed her and told her again not to worry. She's halfway through a back-issue of _Cosmopolitan_ when Kaya comes into the room with Lisa in tow, nods at both of them over the top of her magazine before shutting it with a resigned sigh.

"Waiting for Kat, then?" Kaya asks, going over to the mini-fridge in the corner and pulling out three bottles of water. She tosses one over to Lily, who takes a long gulp of it.

"Is she almost done, do you know?" Lily asks, wiping her mouth on the back of her hand and screwing the cap back on. "It's almost eight o'clock; she should be done by now, shouldn't she?"

Kaya grins. "Anxious much?"

"Is it that obvious?" Lily says with a matching grin, and Kaya snorts and chugs her entire bottle of water in one go. "Honestly, though," Lily says, as Kaya perches on a chair across the room from her and Lisa sits down on the floor beside her, pulling her hair up into a messy bun. "How do you stand it? Seeing the person you're with kissing someone else?"

"It's just acting, Lils," Kaya says matter-of-factly. "It doesn't mean anything."

Lily flushes. "Well, sometimes it kind of does, you know? Like, me and Kathryn. And you and Jack. Sometimes it's more than just like, acting or whatever. Sometimes it's real."

"It's a little adorable, how jealous you are," Kaya snorts and both her and Lisa exchange some sort of knowing look that Lily can't read. "I think I may just have tell Ollie about this; it'd certainly be a nice ego boost, don't you think?"

"You're terrible, Kaya," Lisa says with a laugh, just as Kat enters the room, looking a bit too flushed for Lily's liking. She reaches out and pulls Kathryn to her, kissing her forcefully.

"Well, hello to you too," Kat smirks, sitting down on Lily's lap. "Everything all right?"

"I'm much better now that you're here. How'd it go?"

"Terribly embarrassing, but on the whole, rather well. It only took us three takes to get it right, which was nice. Probably would have gotten it done with just one take if Charles hadn't kept stopping me and telling me I looked too awkward -- which I said was the point, but he seemed to think it didn't look like, -- I don't even know." She shudders at bit at the memory, which sends them all into a bout of laughter. "Anyway, I'm done for the evening. What do you want to do?"

"I suggest going out and getting completely fucked up," Lily says. She turns to Kaya and Lisa. "You want to come too? I already asked Meg and she said she'd come if it was more than just me and Kat."

Kaya tosses her water bottle across the room; it hits the edge of the bin and bounces in. "Honestly, Loveless, I'm a bit offended that you even have to ask."

 

;;

 

Kathryn's proper pissed when she corners Lily in the club later that evening, pressing her up against the wall by the dance floor and kissing her openly, her hands threading through Lily's hair and gripping her head, holding her in place. Lily's hands settle on Kat's waist, moaning softly when Kat's tongue sweeps across her bottom lip; Kat tastes like those ridiculous lychee martinis she's always getting, sticky sweet.

She can still taste it on her tongue when Kat pulls away with a grin, flushed from the alcohol and dancing.

"You're not worried about anyone seeing us?" Lily says loudly in Kat's ear, who shrugs.

"Does it really matter? Like I said, no one even knows who were are. And it's not as if we don't have an excuse for our 'behaviour'," she adds, picking up her empty martini glass and flourishing it as if to prove a point. "If anyone says anything, we'll just say we were drunk."

Lily rolls her eyes. "Yes, Kat, that's brilliant. Great plan."

Kathryn's eyes glint mischievously. "If you don't like it, stop kissing me."

"I will then," Lily says, even as she pulls Kat in for another kiss.

A moment later they're interrupted by Megan, who informs them that she and Kaya and Luke are going off to another club, since they're bored here. "I'll see you later, yeah?" she says, with a nod to Kathryn. "Have fun and don't do anything stupid like, get your picture taken or whatever. And right, if you're taking her -- " another nod, this time in Lily's direction " -- back to our room, please don't like, do anything on my bed."

"Gross, Meg," Kathryn says, looking rather put off. "I do have _some_ class. And the same applies to you, you know, in case you get back before me. I don't want you like, hooking up with some random bloke -- or lass -- on my bed."

Megan makes a face and kisses Kat once on the cheek before leaving with a tiny wave of her fingers.

"So, then, do you want to stay?" Kathryn turns to Lily, an eyebrow raised. "Or we could, you know, go back to the hotel and -- "

"Let's go back to my room," Lily says, threading their fingers together; Kathryn's palm feels so soft and small pressed flat against their own. "Klariza's out for the night, so you can stay over."

Kathryn smiles as they make their way over to the front of the club, untangling their fingers as she fumbles for her phone in her purse. "I do love waking up next to you."

"I know," Lily says, as they push open the club doors, the cool night air washing over them. "So do I," she says, pulling Kathryn in by her denim jacket and kissing her demurely. "So do I."

 

;;

 

"Be careful with her," Megan says unexpectedly one evening, when she and Lily are outside the hotel sharing a fag, waiting for Kat to come downstairs so they can all go out to dinner together.

"Sorry?" Lily asks, looking up, fag smouldering between her index and middle fingers. She takes a shaky drag of it; it's fucking freezing out tonight.

Megan plucks the fag from her fingers, says, "Kathryn. You need to be careful with her. I know she's the older twin and whatever, but I'm always looking out for her. She wears her heart on her fucking sleeve, you know? It's no good." She finishes what's left of the cigarette, flicks it away casually, sighs. "I don't want you to hurt her. She can be fragile, sometimes."

"I'm not planning on it, hurting her," Lily tells her, pulling out another fag and lighting up quickly. When she exhales slowly, the wind catches the smoke, blowing it towards the car park, the wispy curls fading into the darkness of night.

"I'm just saying, be careful," Megan says, as Kat pushes through the double glass doors of the hotel, smiling.

 

;;

 

On one of the rare nights when Kat's gone home to London with Meg -- "It's for a family thing," she'd told Lily, who'd sighed and looped her arms loosely around Kathryn before kissing her lightly. "I'll be back Sunday evening, of course." -- Lily's in Kaya's room sharing a spliff and a bottle of vodka and watching _Don't Tell the Bride_.

"I'm sick of drinking this straight," Lily complains, grimacing after a quick gulp. "Haven't we got anything to mix this with?"

"We can make screwdrivers, if you'd like," Kaya offers, and takes the bottle over to the mini-fridge, pulling out a half-empty container of orange juice. Lily leans back on the pillows and takes a long drag of the spliff, closing her eyes and listening to Kaya pour them drinks. She feels the bed dip a moment later and opens her eyes to find Kaya thrusting a red plastic cup at her.

She takes a tentative sip. "Fucking hell, you know you're supposed to put in more juice than vodka, not the other way around, right?"

Kaya laughs. "I thought you wanted to get like, proper pissed. Solution," she says, tipping her head back and finishing her drink in a matter of seconds. She grins and winks at Lily when she's finished, licking her lips; Lily rolls her eyes and just takes another small sip of her vodka and orange juice.

Later, when she's a bit more drunk, Lily says, "I'm sort of in love, you know," and she can see Kaya catching herself, almost about to ask _who_ and then realising what she means.

"It's cute," Kaya says, flopping down on the bed beside her and rolling over onto her stomach with a grin. "I mean, you know. You actually look like, really good together. And I'm sure the sex is absolutely marvellous," she adds a moment later, with a laugh.

Lily flushes. "Actually, we haven't."

"Sorry?"

"Fucked, I mean," Lily says, feeling her face grow even hotter as Kaya sits her, looking surprised and curious all at once. "It's not, well," Lily says, fumbling for the words, her brain fuzzy from too much alcohol. "Kathryn wants to take things slow, is all. I think she's kind of afraid that I'm just, I don't know, too much like Naomi. Which I'm not, but she's sort of like Emily -- emotionally, I mean, that's what Kat's always saying anyway -- so I guess she figures it's the same sort of thing."

Kaya reaches across her for the bottle of vodka, takes a terribly long swig of it that makes Lily grimace. "I wouldn't have figured on Kat being like that. At all, really." Kaya wipes her mouth on the back of her hand after taking another large swallow. "I mean, from what I've heard -- "

"What you've heard is true," Lily says, and then bursts into a sudden fit of giggles, thinking about Kathryn having a reputation as being something of a slag, which isn't entirely unwarranted.

"It's just different with you, then," Kaya concludes, once Lily's calmed down. "Is that right?"

"Yeah," Lily says, almost surprised. She reaches for the bottle; Kaya hands it over with a smile. "Yeah, I think you're right, actually. It is different."

 

;;

 

"Megan thinks I should be careful around you," Lily says one afternoon, when they're outside the studio during break. She's smoking a fag and Kat's sitting on the railing walkway, nursing a bottle of water.

"Oh, yeah?" Kat says, turning the bottle in her hands, looking out into the parking lot, the afternoon sun beating down on them hotly. "What do you think?"

Lily drops her fag away, grinds it out onto the cement with her heel, takes a step forward, closing the distance between them. "Do I need to be careful, Kat?"

Kathryn smiles and closes her eyes, tilting her head back as Lily leans forward and presses light kisses along the slope of her neck. "It depends on what you consider dangerous," she murmurs, her hand moving to Lily's hip, holding her in place, as Lily kisses Kat's ear. Kat turns her head, kisses the corner of Lily's mouth, before pulling her in closer and kissing her a bit more properly this time.

Lily sighs, rests her forehead against Kat's.

"We should probably go back inside; it's been ten minutes."

"You always ruin the moment," Kat sighs dramatically, and Lily kisses her again with a laugh, reaching down for Kat's hand and threading their fingers together.

"Come on then," Lily says, once they've parted, begins tugging Kathryn towards the studio doors.  
"We don't want people to think we're late because we've been doing something inappropriate."

"Makeup is going to kill us," Kat laughs, running her thumb along her bottom lip and wiping away a bit of smeared lipstick. "Totally worth a scolding, though," she murmurs and pulls Lily in for one last kiss before they go inside, crushing their lips together with a grin.

 

;;

 

"So, you and Kat then," Luke says, sitting outside a pub with her on the curb, waiting for the cab they'd dialled to get there. "How'd that happen?"

"How did Jack and Kaya happen?" Lily tosses back good naturedly, and Luke gives her an easy smile and pulls a nearly empty pack of fags out of his back pocket, shaking one out for himself.

He holds the pack out to Lily, who shakes her head and yet takes one anyway.

She hasn't got a lighter; she says as much.

"Hang on, then," Luke says, digging around in pockets of his jeans. He retrieves a small packet of matches, fumbling with them briefly before getting one lit. "Here," he says, shifting in closer to  
Lily, holding out the small match and flame; she lets him light her fag for her, inhaling deeply.

"Who the fuck still uses matches anyway," Lily wonders aloud, as Luke lights his own cigarette before shaking the match once and tossing it away.

"I don't, usually," Luke tells her, taking a long drag and exhaling slowly, the smoke escaping from his mouth in long, wispy curls. "I like to keep some with me though. You know, just in case." A long pause and then, "You can get burned, you know. If you're not careful with them."

Lily snorts. "That's the most obvious metaphor that I've ever heard. Or perhaps it's meant to be a rather less-than-subtle warning? Either way: spare me, Pass, please. I've already got this speech from Meg. And possibly Kaya too, but I can't be sure; it's hard to tell with her sometimes. And everyone's so busy being worried for me that no one realises that I'm fully capable of taking care of myself."

Luke shrugs. "Make of it what you will, Loveless. Personally I'm all for it, you two being together. Though I wouldn't mind getting between you . . . " he trails off, winking at her suggestively.

Lily shoves him with a laugh. "Perve."

"You don't know a compliment when you see one, do you," Luke grins, just as the cab stops a few feet in front of them.

 

;;

 

A week later, having finished up with shooting JJ's episode, they all go to a club where Kaya (un-surprisingly) and Lisa (surprisingly) know the people at the front door checking IDs.

Kathryn, as usual, takes advantage of this; she makes a beeline for the bar and orders herself three shots of vodka and a lychee martini. Lily slides up next to her, wrapping an arm around her waist as the drinks arrive; she steals one of Kat's shots, licking her lips and setting the glass down firmly with a hard click.

"You'd better be fucking paying me for that," Kathryn grumbles, but two shots and half a martini later she's grinning again, leaning in closer to Lily, who orders another two shots for the both of them, prodding Kathryn gently in the side so that she has enough room to clamber up onto the empty seat beside her.

"Come on," Kathryn whines ten minutes later, when they're both on the way to getting tanked, finishing her second martini and tugging expectantly on Lily's arm. "I want to dance."

"Kathryn," Lily groans in protest, but she's buzzed from the alcohol and the spliff Jack had passed around earlier, and she allows herself to be pulled to the centre of the dance floor. She tries not to laugh when Kathryn spins in her arms, pressing back up against her and grinding in time to the music. "Fucking hell, Kitty Kat," she says in Kat's ear, and Kathryn smirks and places Lily's hand on her waist, dangerously low.

Lily catches Kaya's eye, a few feet over; she's dancing with Meg and Lisa, swaying gently to the loud throbbing of the bass from the speakers. Kaya grins, looks pointedly at Kathryn; her grin widens even more and Lily flicks her off lazily with two fingers, not even able to hold back a smile. Megan, who turns, doesn't look quite as pleased; Lily knows from her frown that she's not exactly happy to see her sister acting all -- there is no other word for it -- _gay_ in public, where they might get noticed.

"Sorry," Lily mouths, with an exaggerated shrug of her shoulders. She points down at Kathryn, mimes drinking; Megan rolls her eyes and shakes her head, turning back to Lisa who's talking to her and Kaya about something in a very animated fashion.

"Let's get out of here," Kathryn yells in her ear a moment later, and Lily raises her eyebrows.

"Where to, then?"

"Anywhere," Kat says with a bit of a smirk, and, reaching down, laces Lily's fingers with hers, taking a step backwards and pulling her in the direction of the toilets.

 

;;

 

"Jesus, Kathryn, not here," Lily murmurs in her ear, as Kat trails sloppy kisses along her neck, her hands sliding up under Lily's shirt in one quick motion, pushing up her bra and stroking one of her nipples roughly with her thumb. When her knee presses up between Lily's legs, Lily groans and leans heavily against the toilet wall, eyes fluttering closed.

It's only when Kathryn's hand falls to her jeans and she begins undoing Lily's belt does Lily open her eyes again and gently push Kat away from her, just enough to get her to back off. "Alright, then, I'll stop," Kathryn says, sounding very much frustrated, her eyes dark with desire. "I just. Sorry."

"Come here," Lily says, pulling Kat in by her denim jacket and kissing her slowly and purposefully. Kathryn sighs against her, taking a step forward and pressing her body flush against Lily's. After several long kisses, Lily pulls away, puts two fingers under Kathryn's chin and tips her head up so she can look into her eyes. "You won't have to --," she says, flushes, starts again. "I mean, I _want_ to, Kathryn. I just don't want to be like the girls you usually pull."

"But, you're not," Kathryn, looking a bit hurt. "You're not like them."

"I know." Lily presses a kiss to her forehead, brushes Kat's sweaty fringe away from her forehead. "So, _not here_. Okay?"

Kathryn nods, wrapping her arms around Lily's neck, and Lily allows herself to be tugged down for another kiss.

 

;;

 

Lily feels strangely bad about it later, for leading Kathryn to water and not letting her drink, so to speak, and she curls up next to Kat early in the morning when they're in bed, gently spooning against her. "Sorry," she murmurs against Kat's neck, kissing it lightly, and Kathryn mumbles something in her sleep, instinctively reaching for Lily and knotting their fingers together.

 

;;

 

"How was last night, then?" Kaya asks with a coy smile, leaning back on Klariza's bed the next afternoon, the latest issue of _Heat_ lying forgotten off to the side. "I saw you and her leave for a bit."

"Honestly, we didn't do anything," Lily says, but she can't help but flush a bit at the suggestion. "I told you, Kat, she's diff -- "

"Different with you." Kaya says, stretching with an exaggerated sigh, sprawling out on the bed. "Right. Sorry, I just find it a bit hard to believe, you know. I mean, Kathryn just doesn't seem like the type."

Lily's eyes narrow. "What sort of 'type'?"

"You know what I mean," Kaya says dismissively, idly turning a page in the magazine and glancing down briefly at the two-page spread of some up-and-coming female celebrity that Lily's never heard of.

 

;;

 

The first time they make love, it's the first time they've been completely sober for the entire night. And it's a bit scary, not being able to feel the burn of vodka settling into her stomach when Lily feels Kathryn kiss her a bit more forcefully than usual, pushing her onto her back; her head hitting the pillows, her mind spinning, as Kathryn straddles her, grinning wickedly.

She feels trapped, somehow, which is ridiculous because Kat is so tiny, but Lily doesn't feel like she can move at all, other than to run her hands along Kathryn's back until they settle at her waist, fingers digging into Kat's hips a bit when Kathryn pulls away from the kiss and runs her tongue up along the length of Lily's neck, ending it with a kiss to the space below Lily's ear. And then Kat's tongue slides along the curve of Lily's ear and her breath hitches, and Kathryn pulls back with a rather smug grin on her face.

"We'll go slow, yeah," she says, not really a question, just more like a statement, but Lily nods anyway, licks her lips and swallows hard, tries to rid herself of the lump in her throat. And it's funny, almost, because she didn't think that Kat could take _anything_ slowly, least of all sex, but it's almost as if Kat is determined to make Lily forget about the things she's heard and seen, because Kat's just kissing her nice and slow, running her hands lazily up and down Lily's sides.

It's a bit frustrating, too, because she doesn't want to rush things, but she's also growing uncomfortably wet, especially with Kathryn's knee pressed between her thighs. She arches up into it, whispers into Kat's ear, " _Please_ ," and Kat gets the message, sitting up a bit so that she can begin to undo the buttons on Lily's purple-blue top.

"I want you to like, you know, tell me if there's anything wrong," Kat says, bending down and kissing the space between Lily's breasts once she's managed to work her shirt open all the way. "Or if like, you want to stop. I -- I don't want to rush things."

"Fuck rushing things," Lily tells her, inhaling sharply when Kat pushes her bra up, covers her breasts with her palms, thumbs brushing against her nipples. "Christ, Kathryn, I'm going to die if you go any slower."

Kat chuckles, looking rather pleased with herself. "Well, we wouldn't want that, would we," she murmurs, and pulls Lily up into more of an upright position, tugging off her top and unhooking her bra with a clearly practiced ease, tossing both articles of clothing off into the corner. She quickly works off her own shirt and bra too, and Lily's momentarily disappointed that she hasn't gotten a chance to actually _do_ anything yet, until Kat presses her gently back down onto the bed and slides her tongue across a nipple, circling it twice before taking it into her mouth and sucking roughly on it.

" _Oh_ ," Lily breathes, her hips once more arching up as she threads her fingers through Kat's bright red hair, which smells like the peppermint shampoo Lily let her borrow earlier the same day, after rehearsals.

"So much for taking it slow then," Kat murmurs with a chuckle, and Lily flushes a bit.

She'd never expected it to be like, this urgent, sex with a girl, but it's not terribly surprising, considering all the times they'd snogged before where she'd had to move to another room entirely just to try and calm her racing heart, nearly out of breath, hot and flushed from almost being right there.

And now they _were_ there -- here -- and she can't ever remember wanting anything this badly before. All she wants to do is have Kathryn kiss her, again and again and again, and not ever stop or let go; she pulls Kathryn to her, trying to bring their bodies as close together as possible.

(It's never enough, never.)

"Easy, easy," Kathryn pants, when Lily's hands fly to her trousers, undoing the belt with one swift motion, the metal buckle clinking softly against itself. Another moment later and Kathryn's jeans are undone completely; Lily tugs them down to Kat's knees, as far as she can manage, and Kat wriggles out of them the rest of the way, kicking them off the side of the bed.

A minute later Lily's own jeans join hers on the floor.

"Is this okay?" Kathryn asks, looking concerned, and Lily cups Kat's face in her hands and kisses her softly.

"Of course it is," she says, flashing Kat an easy smile. "So stop talking, okay?"

She kisses Kathryn again, hands moving to her back and running her fingers lightly over the soft skin; Kat shivers at the touch, and when she leans back down, kissing Lily's neck, her hand slips down the front of Lily's knickers, two fingers sliding against her clit.

Lily's hips jerk up at the touch. " _Oh_."

She can feel Kat smiling against her neck as Kat's fingers move in sharp, rough strokes. She runs her fingers through Kathryn's hair, sucks on a spot on Kathryn's shoulder until the blood rises to the surface. It's still not enough though, what Kat's doing; she's only getting wetter with each stroke of Kathryn's fingers; it's not helping at all.

She flips them both over with relative ease, dislodging Kathryn's fingers momentarily. Lily shifts down a bit, kisses the swell of Kat's breasts, draws her tongue over a nipple, loving the way Kathryn tenses at the touch, the way her hand settles heavily on Lily's hip, nails digging into the bare skin.

"Fuck," Kathryn breathes, and she's flushed such a pretty pink colour; Lily smiles and leans back up to kiss her, groaning when Kat's teeth catch at her bottom lip, biting down hard, but not enough to break the skin. Lily's hand moves up to Kat's breast, thumbing her nipple. Kat groans and arches up into her.

It only takes a quick moment to dispose of both her and Kat's knickers.

Lily settles back on top of Kathryn, her knee pressed up between Kat's thighs. She's incredibly wet; Lily shivers a bit at the realisation, wonders how long Kathryn has wanted to do this.

Kat suddenly shifts, once more taking control of the situation, flipping Lily onto her back and kissing her once before dragging her tongue along Lily's jaw, slowly working her way down Lily's body, licking and kissing every bit of bare skin she can find. Lily moans, twisting under her; it's almost too much.

Finally Kathryn's tongue slides along the inside of her thigh and God, she still can't believe that this is actually happening, because up until now it's all felt so surreal. It feels surreal even _now_ , she thinks, hips jerking up once more as Kat nips at the inside of her thigh, looks up at her with wide, dark eyes, before pressing her tongue firmly against Lily's clit.

"Oh, fuck, _Kat_ ," Lily exhales shakily, as Kathryn's tongue begins to move in quick, sharp strokes against her clit, sliding two fingers into her easily. Lily clutches at the sheets with one hand, balling them up into a fist. Her other hand flies to Kat's head, fingers running through her hair, urging her onward.

Kathryn's actually fucking like, _humming_ , and it's just making this that much more incredible; Kat seems rather determined to get her off good and proper. Her fingers and tongue work with remarkable speed, and not soon after she begins do Lily's hips start to cant in time with her movements. She can barely catch her breath; the best she can manage is _oh_ and from time to time, Kat's name, but not much else.

Her head's spinning hen Kat slides back up, pulling her fingers out of Lily with a soft pop, moving them back up to Lily's clit, working in slow, light circles.

"Kat," Lily groans, straining against her fingers. " _Please_."

Kat grins widely, kisses her long and hard, her fingers speeding up. "Sorry; I just wanted to be able to see the look on your face when you come."

It's enough to push her over the edge, bucking up into Kathryn's hand, eyes squeezed shut, the blood pounding in her eyes. She sees stars flash behind her eyelids, and Kathryn's fingers just don't fucking _stop_ , just keep on working until she comes a second time in quick succession.

"all right?" Kathryn asks, removing her hand entirely when Lily stops shaking quite so much, licking her fingers clean before cupping Lily's face with both hands and covering it with kisses.

"You're fucking brilliant, Kathryn," Lily manages to get out, still completely out of breath, her heart beating so fast that she's half-afraid it's going to break her chest. She brushes Kat's fringe out of her eyes, tucks the strands of hair behind an ear, her whole body feeling like it's made of rubber, completely spent. "Jesus, I think you've killed me."

Kat chuckles nervously, blushing a bit. "I don't think I'm _quite_ that good," she says, with a laugh, as she rolls off of Lily, settling down on the bed beside her.

Lily groans, her muscles aching. "You are, trust me. Fucking hell, I don't even think I can move; you've completely worn me out."

It occurs to Lily suddenly that she's rather left Kathryn in the lurch, that she's got off rather nicely, but Kat shifting against her knee reminds her of how wet she is. Almost painfully so, probably, Lily thinks, and a moment later her hand snakes down between them as she closes the distance between their mouths, capturing Kathryn's bottom lip in a kiss.

"Oh, fuck," Kathryn murmurs, her eyes fluttering closed as Lily's fingers press neatly against her clit. She pulls Lily closer to her, kissing her again.

Lily fingers Kat lazily for several long minutes, until it all becomes much too much, when their kisses become sloppier and Kathryn's breath starts coming out in short, shallow pants. Lily speeds her fingers up accordingly, and it isn't long before Kathryn's coming, shuddering against her, face flushed and sweaty.

"Lily," she moans quietly, catching Lily's hand as it comes up, licking her fingers clean as well. Lily groans at the sight, pushes Kathryn's sweaty fringe away, kissing her forehead. Kathryn's head settles against Lily's shoulder; Lily runs her fingers up and down the length of Kat's arm, as Kat tries to catch her breath.

"Fucking hell, Lily," she says, after a while, when the flush has started to fade from her cheeks. "That was rather fucking remarkable."

"So I -- I was good enough, yeah?" Lily asks, suddenly struck with a bout of self-consciousness when she realises that Kathryn's probably done this dozens of times before and well, Lily's a bit nervous as to whether or not she's stacked up against all the others that have come before. "I didn't really know how -- well, I hope I did -- "

"You were fine," Kathryn tells her with a smile and a chaste kiss. "Don't worry, okay?"

"I'm not worried at all," Lily says, lying completely unconvincing.

Kat smiles widely, kisses her again, one of those soft, half-open mouth kisses that always makes Lily's heart turn over slowly in her chest. She can taste both herself and Kat on Kathryn's tongue, feels herself growing wet again at the memory of Kathryn's tongue pressed against her, as she twisted in such exquisite agony on the bed.

As if she can read her mind, Kat slowly moves forward until she's pushing Lily onto her back with a wicked grin, her fingers tracing along the inside of Lily's thigh.

"Jesus," Lily groans, as Kat's fingers skate along her cunt. "I don't know if I can -- "

"You can," Kathryn tells her and kisses her hungrily.

 

;;

 

They get called into E4's main office shortly before they're about to begin filming "Katie & Emily," and it's so fucking obvious why they're here, because Jack and Kaya are already outside in the waiting room when she and Kathryn arrive, and well, it's not all that hard to figure it out, and it's a bit awkward, sitting in a conference room with Jamie and Bryan and everyone else being told not to let on about their respective relationships until series four is over and done with.

"That's a whole fucking year from now," Kat whines outside afterward, when they're all standing around having a smoke. "I don't get why we have to fucking like, keep schtum about the whole thing. I mean, who fucking cares if we're dating?"

"Makes for bad publicity," Kaya says, and Lily nods, because yeah, that sort of makes sense. "I mean, if things sour or whatever during filming and it fucks up the next series, the fans will all blame it on that. And really, you don't want that."

Lily says, "And it's not like they're telling us to see other people, Kat. We just can't be so fucking obvious about it anymore."

It's painfully obvious that Kat hates being told what to do and how to do it, since she spends the rest of the afternoon pouting, while they go on a not-so-double-date with Jack and Kaya; first a trip to the cinema and then a stop at caffee Nero. Lily buys a hot chocolate, which she and Kathryn share, because it's fucking cold in Bristol in December and anyway, Kat's mood hasn't improved in the slightest.

"Come on now, Kat," Lily says, putting an arm around Kat's waist and pulling her closer, pressing a kiss to her forehead. "It's not that bad. You can come over all the time when we're back in London. I don't fucking live _that_ far away. And it'll like, be totally cool, because people will just think we're best mates."

Kathryn makes a small sound of agreement and Jack says, "Yeah, you lot have got it better than me and Kaya, anyway, since people will automatically just jump to conclusions about us. Which is totally unfair," he adds with a good-natured smile, "because us two completely outrank you when it comes to class and subtlety."

"Oh, fuck off," Kat says, but she can't keep from smiling. "We were only late _once_."

 

;;

 

"If I asked you a question," Kathryn says later that evening, while they're curled up in bed together, Megan having left that evening for Bristol, so that she could take a psychology exam the next morning and be back in time for filming by the afternoon. "Would you answer it? Like, completely truthfully I mean."

"Yeah, alright," Lily murmurs, nosing bright red hair away from Kat's neck so that she can kiss it. "What is it?"

"When did you start to realise that you liked me? In a more than mates way, I mean."

Lily's never really thought about it before, that defining moment when she realised that her feelings for Kat extended beyond those of normal friendships. And it seems like a terrible sort of answer, but she kisses the space below Kat's ear and says, "I don't know. I mean, I'm not sure. It sort of just happened like, naturally, you know? And everything sort of just fell into place on its own without me even trying."

Kat's quiet for a long time, until Lily nudges her with her nose and says, "How about you, then?"

Kat says, "I've known it for forever. Ever since drama class back at Mountview, I think. I remember thinking, what a pretty girl and there were like, all these tiny butterflies in my stomach that made me feel like bursting, and how when I saw you again, three years later, I still felt the same way. Those butterflies were still there, you know. Like the song." She grins and turns in Lily's arms, kisses the corner of her mouth. "I don't think that feeling ever really went away. And you know, Meg knew straight off. We haven't been close in years -- well, at any rate, we're closer _now_ \-- and she just knew. She told me I was going to get my heart broken."

"She didn't know, then? About you snogging me at that party one time?"

"Like I said," Kathryn says, pressing a kiss to the tip of Lily's nose with a smile. "We weren't very close."

"And what does she think now?"

"She still thinks I'm going to get my heart broken." A pause. "I don't think she's right."

"From what I hear, it's you that's the heartbreaker, Kathryn," Lily says, but Kat suddenly looks so unhappy that she cups Kat's face in her hands and kisses her until they're both breathless. And when they pull away, Lily says, "I won't break your heart," Kathryn looks a bit better.

They kiss for a long while after that, until Kathryn finally breaks free long enough to rid herself of her knickers, having still had that bit of clothing on, and Lily presses her to the mattress and runs her tongue over every inch of bare skin she can find, until Kathryn's nearly sobbing in frustration; she slides down between Kat's legs, tongue working in quick strokes, fingers inside her, and it doesn't take much for Kathryn to come, arching up and tugging on Lily's hair so hard it hurts.

"I fucking love you, you know," Kathryn pants, in-between frantic kisses, after Lily's moved back up, licking her fingers clean, and Lily's heart stops for a fraction of a second before clenching up, and it feels as if Kat's got her hand around her heart and is squeezing tight enough to take her breath away, and Kathryn looks so lovely right now, all flushed and spent and --

She can't help it.

"I love you too," she says.

 

;;

 

The weeks shooting Kat and Meg's episode seem to fly by spectacularly quickly, and by the time they've finished Lily can hardly believe it; it still feels like that first week when they'd got the script and she and Kathryn had taken every advantage possible to pin one another up against a wall or a door and whisper "I can't stand it," before dissolving into giggles or sometimes kisses or, if Lily was feeling rather brave, a continuance of the latter.

"I don't want to go home," Kat says, sitting on the edge of her bed watching Megan pack clothes into her suitcase.

"We have to," Megan says tiredly, and Lily sits down beside Kathryn.

"It'll be fine," she says, taking Kat's hand in hers and kissing her knuckles, a kind of public affection that she wouldn't normally do in from of Megan, but now seemed like the time to be like, a good girlfriend or whatever. "It's not like you can't come and visit. And if you're busy with like, college and coursework, I can always come over, because I certainly haven't got anything else to do. It'll be _fine_ ," she says again, when Kat looks ready to cry.

Kathryn sniffs and hugs her. "Sorry. I'm stupidly emotional sometimes. It's just -- Bristol's sort of become home, you know? We've spent a whole fucking like, almost seven months here. And I'm going to miss you."

"Look, she said she'd still be around," Megan says, rolling her eyes as she begins packing up her jeans. "She's not like, fucking off to sodding Africa or whatever. And there's interviews and all that; we're going to be spending a whole fucking lot of time together, Kathryn, you stupid bint."

Two fingers up in the air, flicking her off, and then Kat's hand slides around Lily's waist again, tugs her in closer. "It's not just that, you know," Kathryn says, into Lily's jumper. "We have to be all like, careful and sneaky and whatever the fuck. I don't _want_ to. I don't want to have to go out with you and pretend that we're just best mates."

"We'll do what we have to do," Lily says, kissing the top of her head, stroking her hair absentmindedly. "It won't be all that bad. And like Jack said; we're better off than him and Kaya. So just like, be strong, yeah?"

"Right," Kathryn says, pulling away and kissing Lily quickly. "Sorry, I'm being a loser. I think it's PMT."

Megan snorts at that, but Lily ignores her, opts instead to kiss Kathryn again, nice and slow.

"Come stay with me tonight, yeah? I can ask Klariza to go stay with Kaya and Lisa. You don't have to go until noon tomorrow anyway."

"Yeah alright," Kat agrees quietly, looks over at Meg who rolls her eyes, punctuating a sharp nod.

"Yes, for fuck's sake, just do it, because I've got to finish packing -- I'm not like you; I don't just throw everything into a heap and call it sorted -- and I can't do it with you sitting over there and like, crying and moping about."

Kat says, "I'm not _crying_ ," but she swipes at her eyes anyway and Lily laughs and kisses her.

 

;;

 

Pass flags her down as soon as she gets into the pub and Lily picks her way through the crowd to the booth where he's sat with Jack, sliding down onto an empty space on the end. Luke grins a hello and slides his half-empty pint of lager across the table to her before she's even taken off her coat and set down her bag.

"What's up?" he says cheerfully. "We just got here a few minutes ago, by the way, so don't worry if you think you've kept us waiting or whatever."

"Sorry," Lily says, folding up her coat and setting it down on the seat next to her. "I couldn't find a bus; had to end up dialling for a fucking cab. Is it just you two here tonight?"

"Kaya rung me and said she'd come over too, if she could," Jack says, finishing his drink and setting his glass down with a solid _thud_. "She's got her parents over visiting her at her flat tonight."

Lily takes a long swallow of Luke's drink, wipes her mouth on the back of her hand, passes it back over to Luke, who finishes it off. "Go and get me a proper drink, will you?" Lily asks him. "Vodka and cranberry juice, please," she adds as Luke climbs over Jack to get out.

"So, Lils," Jack says, while they're waiting for him to get back. "Haven't seen you in a fucking while."

"Not since we did that radio interview. How've you been? Kaya's mentioned you once or twice, but she spends more time with Meg and Lisa than me and Kat, so you know how it is. You two are still together, yeah?"

"Yeah," Jack says, leaning back in his seat. "But we're taking it a bit slow right now. Just sort of like, hanging out and whatever. No serious stuff. It's nice, though, you know, it's nothing bad. But after practically living together for six months, we both sort of needed to give each other a bit of space."

"Oh," Lily says, flushing a bit. "I wouldn't know?"

"You and Kat are still joined at the hip, then?" A grin, just as Luke returns with drinks. "Here," he says, handing Lily her glass as he sits down once Jack slides over some. "You look a bit flushed," he says after a moment, which only makes Lily blush more.

"We're just talking about her and Kathryn, is all," Jack says, finishing off a third of his cider with one large gulp. "And about how they're joined at the hip."

"We are _not_ ," Lily protests weakly. "We just like spending time with each other."

"Oh, trust me," Luke laughs, sloshing his drink a bit onto the table. "We _all_ know that."

Lily kicks them both in the shins under the table when they start to laugh, but she can't help smiling herself.

"No, really though," Jack says, sobering a bit. "I really think it's a great thing that you two have got going on, Lils. Kat's really fit, number one, and number two, she's fucking like, head over heels for you. Everyone can see that."

"I miss her," Lily says, after a long pause, and it feels like it's only just set in now, this sort of heavy loneliness that she usually doesn't even allow herself to think about, let alone feel. She looks at Jack straight-on. "You know what I mean, don't you? I thought it would be enough, you know, just calling and texting. But it isn't. It's not the same."

"It's not like being in Bristol, is it," Jack says quietly, and Lily doesn't think she's ever seen him so serious. "I think Bristol's fucking ruined us all."

Luke raises his glass. "To Bristol then, yeah?" He says, cheerily.

"Cheers," Lily says, and clicks her glass halfheartedly against his, then Jack's, who finishes his drink in one go.

 

;;

 

She briefly considers telling her mum about Kathryn, if only so she'll stop asking Lily if she's having boy problems.

She texts Kat who responds with: _why not, your mum's cool_ , and it's not really the solid yes or no answer that she was looking for, so in the end she resigns to just not say anything at all.

 

;;

 

What happens later is pathetically inevitable; she gets asked if she's in a relationship with someone, and she says yes without thinking, because it's never actually been a problem, dating Kat, until now, and it's only after she's answered does she realise that she's fucked up massively, has to come up with some ridiculous cover story about a boyfriend that doesn't actually exist.

Lily doesn't mention it to Kat, because there's no point; it's all just a game, anyway, and it's not like she was telling the truth or anything.

And it's almost fun at first, pretending that she's got a boyfriend, mentioning him in interviews without actually dropping a name, and all it takes is one coy smile from Kat -- who caught on after the first time she and Lily had interviewed, when Lily had nudged Kat with her foot under the table before bringing up some completely false story about a boy she was dating -- to encourage her.

It's all sort of a big joke to them. Megan doesn't find it quite as amusing though, asks Lily what's going to happen when people start wondering why Lily's boyfriend is never actually _around_ anywhere, that every time they go out it's always Kat that's hanging on her arm.

"Who cares?" Kathryn asks lazily, when they're sitting on the couch watching _Top Gear_ , Meg at one end and Kat and Lily at the other, Kat curled up against Lily, who's got an arm around Kat's shoulders, idly twirling a strand of hair between her fingers, curling and uncurling it. "I really don't think it's that big of a problem, Meg."

Megan rolls her eyes. "It will be, if people finally start putting fucking two and two together. You'll get into loads of trouble with E4. Think about it, really. It's completely fucked up, what you're doing; it's only going to make things worse."

"So I'll say I broke up with him," Lily chimes in with a yawn. "I'll mention it at some point during at interview and that will be that."

"Great, so then people will think you dumped him for Kat," Meg says, punctuating her statement with another eyeroll. "Brilliant."

"Fucking shut up about it already," Kathryn tells her, irritated. "I don't need some sort of lecture from you about whether or not I'm keeping this relationship secret enough. If there was a problem, E4 would have called us in already. But they don't care, Meg, I'm telling you."

"Whatever," Megan says, storms off in a huff.

 

;;

 

February rolls around and they're asked to do an interview for E4, _Waking You Up_ or some sort of crap that Lily's never heard of until now. It's her and Kat and Merv, and she can't help but laugh when she finds out about it, because recently it always seems as though Merv is always getting unfortunately tacked on with them.

She texts him: _hope you don't mind interviewing with kat and me_. He texts her back a little while later, and she laughs again when she reads he's written _i never mind watching you two flirt_ , because well, it's pretty much the truth.

Immediately after that she texts Kathryn. _must make sure to be overly flirtatious for this upcoming interview._

Kat's response a moment later: _?_

 _it makes merv feel better about being ignored_ , Lily texts back and it's a little mean (but also sort of truthful as well) and she starts laughing on the bus when Kathryn suggests something rather inappropriate things to say. And it's kind of nice, Lily thinks, tucking her phone back into her purse, that they can flirt in interviews and no one thinks twice about it, because it's fucking _them_ for Christ's sake, and that's what they do. And it's not like Jamie and Bryan and everyone else haven't been encouraging it, since it does seem to be going along rather nicely with the growing popularity for Emily and Naomi's storyline (something she hadn't expected to happen, but was rather pleased about anyway).

They really _shouldn't_ push so many boundaries, she thinks, tucking away her phone into her jacket pocket, but it's just so bloody _easy_.

 

;;

 

Later, after the interview, Merv says with a grin, "Have you two ever thought about maybe being a little less subtle? I don't think everyone's _quite_ caught on yet," and they all laugh at that.

"I don't think it's too obvious, do you?" Kat asks, before turning to Lily and standing up on tiptoe and kisses her on the cheek (which elicits a wolf-whistle from Merv; Lily flicks him off cheerfully).

"Although I think the part about me not enjoying it was a bit cheeky, even for you, Lils."

"Well, I can't let you always have all the fun, Kit Kat," Lily says, patting her on the head.

 

;;

 

"Fucking hell," Kathryn pants, flushed and completely out of breath, her sweaty fringe sticking to her forehead. "It feels like it's been fucking ages."

"Two weeks," Lily says, and kisses her lazily. "It's been two bloody weeks since we've seen each other, Kathryn. You can't come over any more than that?"

"You know I've got coursework," Kathryn sighs, her fingers trailing along Lily's arm before slipping under the covers, finding a nipple and tweaking it gently before running her thumb across it in slow, light strokes. "And anyway, you could come over too, you know. It's not like you've got anything else to do and I don't see why I'm always the one who had to make the trek across London."

It feels like an accusation.

(It probably is, Lily thinks glumly, even as Kathryn leans in for another kiss, her hand sliding down lower.)

 

;;

 

It gets to be too much.

Finally one day Lily says, because there's really no to say this other than to say it exactly how it is, "There's this mate of mine, right, and he -- "

Kathryn doesn't even wait for her to finish, just gets up and starts re-dressing, pulling on jeans and a shirt without a single word, and Lily just doesn't know what to do, because it's not like they've just broken up or anything, but well, she's tired of always having to lie and it's easier to just _do_ this. And she tries explaining this to Kat, sitting up in bed and holding the sheets up around her in an act of false modesty, but Kat just doesn't get it.

(Or doesn't _want_ to get it, Lily thinks, when her mood's shifted from being upset to angry.)

 

;;  
  
  
Megan rings her later that day, and it's so fucking weird, to have Meg calling her that she knows exactly what it is Meg's going to say to her, almost doesn't pick up the phone because of it. But she's shit at not doing what she tells herself to do, so in the end she hits the call button and says hello.  
  
"What the fuck, Loveless," Megan says, and she sounds more angry than Lily expected her to be. "Why don't you just fucking break up with her, then."  
  
"I'm  _not breaking up with her_ ," Lily sighs, already feeling a headache coming on. "There's a mate of mine and he's offered to be like -- well, he's  _gay_ , Megan -- and he said he would like, date me for the sake of appearances."  
  
"Jesus Christ," Megan exhales on the other line. "If I get Kat on the line, can you fucking explain that to her? Because she's been crying and shit and -- just use small fucking words, okay? Otherwise she won't understand. My sister is a bit of a twat when it comes to like, well,  _everything_ , and I'll never bloody understand why that is."  
  
"Yeah, okay."  
  
There's a bit of pause and then some shuffling and Lily can hear a few furious whispers being traded back and forth, until Kat finally picks up and says, "You don't have to do it, you know, and like, it's going to fucking  _hurt_ ," and her voice cracks like she's crying.  
  
"Kathryn," Lily says helplessly. "It's  _all right_."  
  
"Well, you could have given me like, some  _warning_ , you stupid twat," Kathryn says, and Lily's regretting ever agreeing to go along with this in the first place, because Kat sounds so horribly broken up about it, but she can't just back out of this now.  
  
"I'll come over, yeah?" she finally says.  
  
Kat sniffs and says, "Yeah, alright."  
  
  
;;  
  
  
"You're not going to be like, snogging him and everything, right?" Kathryn says much later, after they've made up properly and Lily's lying with her head on Kat's chest, one arm looped lazily across her stomach.  
  
Lily presses a kiss to her sternum. "No. I don't know. I mean, maybe, yes. But only in public, obviously. And not all the time, just once in a while. For the sake of appearances and all."  
  
"I don't want to be there when that happens," Kat says slowly, stroking Lily's forearm. "I mean, please don't do it in front of me, okay? Even if I know that like, it's not real, it doesn't mean it won't hurt."  
  
Lily sits up and kisses her full on the mouth, tongues brushing together. "Listen, it's not going to be a regular thing, yeah? And I won't -- it won't ever be when you're there, okay? I get it, you know? That sort of hurt. Like when you had to snog Ollie, and I -- "  
  
Kathryn laughs. "Really not the same sort of thing, you realise."  
  
"Yeah, I know," Lily says, brushing the hair out of Kat's eyes before kissing her again. "Except, it is sort of is, you know? Because what this is -- it's like acting, almost. And well," she flushes. "I admit to being horribly jealous at the thought of you doing  _anything_  with  _anyone_  who's not me, so I promise not to do anything that would hurt you. Ever."  
"You're impossibly sweet," Kathryn sighs, pulling Lily on top of her and kissing her breathlessly. "You make me feel like a moth that's reached the moon. How do you always do that?"  
  
"It's a secret," Lily says, kissing the bridge of her nose, eyes fluttering closed as Kat's fingers trail lightly down her back, before sliding inward, moving slowly along the inside of her thigh.  
  
  
;;  
  
  
At some point early the next morning, Lily wakes up to bright sunlight streaming through the open curtains on the window above Kat's bed. Kathryn's asleep next to her, back up against the wall, completely dead to the world. The covers are half on and off them; Lily kicks them off her entirely, sitting up with a yawn, stretching her hands up and over her head.  
  
She sneaks out to the bathroom for a moment and returns just as quietly, sliding back into bed beside Kat, pulling the covers up around them both. Kathryn sighs in her sleep and Lily brushes her fringe away from her eyes, with a small smile; Kat looks so pretty in the morning light, skin all pale and almost fucking  _glowing_ , that it makes her heart feel like it's going to burst.  
  
On the wall above Kathryn's bed there's years worth of graffiti, written in all different shapes and sizes and colours. Lily reads the ones she can without having straining her neck, laughs when she gets to one that reads  _kat's a gay_ , in bold, black lettering. When she's run out of things to read, she climbs out of bed again, rummaging around through Kat's desk to find a permanent marker. Once found, she kneels on Kat's bed and writes in small, neat letters:  _l loves k_ , and even though it makes her feel like she's back in secondary school, she can't help but add a tiny little heart to the end of it.  
  
Kathryn stirs. "Morning," she mumbles, still half-asleep, reaching out blindly for Lily, who drops the marker off to the side of the bed and settles down beside her, wrapping her arms around Kathryn and murmuring back a good morning into her ear before kissing it once.  
  
  
;;  
  
  
It's only much later, when she's on the train back home, does she realise she wrote  _love_ , and she's still smiling ridiculously by the time she gets home.  
  
  
;;  
  
  
"Are you coming to the premiere, then?" Lily asks, when she gets the invitation to the screening of  _Tormented_. "Because I'm not going to go if you're not."  
  
"How very professional of you, Lily," Kat laughs into the phone. "But yes, of course I'm going, even though I'm not like, a fan of horror movies. Meg's the one who wanted to go, since obviously April and Larissa are going to be there."  
  
"Oh, right, yeah," Lily says, getting herself a glass of water before heading back into the family room and sliding down onto the couch, cradling the phone between her chin and shoulder. "Jesus Christ, is she really _that_  big of a fan?"  
  
"She used to watch it religiously," Kat says. "Liked it more than  _Desperate Housewives_ , even."  
  
"You know, she told me she doesn't even watch the show," Lily comments, turning on the telly and putting it on mute before skimming through the channels for something to watch. "Says she hasn't seen beyond the second season."  
  
Kathryn laughs again. "She's a fucking liar then."  
  
"So you're going then," Lily says, pleased. "I'll ring my agent and let him know I'm going too. Do you want me to come over beforehand so we can all go together?"  
  
"I think Meg's already rung Kaya and that's what they've planned, so yeah, come over. I can help you with your makeup or -- "  
  
"Help me get dressed?" Lily teases and she can hear the smile in Kat's voice when she mumbles a soft 'cunt.' Then, "I haven't got anything decent to wear. Come shopping with me tomorrow, yeah?"  
  
"Can't, sorry," Kat sighs, and Lily can hear the rustle of sheets as she rolls over. "I've got a shitload of college stuff to do. Catching up and all that. I can do the day after that, though, if you're free."  
  
Lily stops when she finds  _Top Gear_ , sets the remote aside. "Sure, alright. You know I haven't got anything to do anyway. So I'll see you two days from now, then? Or do you want to come over tonight?"  
  
Kathryn says, a bit cheekily, "We'll see, won't we? Maybe I'll show up at your doorstep dressed in nothing but a trench coat and high heels."  
  
"You  _would_ , that's the problem," Lily says, rolling her eyes, and Kathryn laughs and blows her a kiss through the phone before hanging up.  
  
  
;;  
  
  
"You look nice," is the first thing Kathryn says to her at the premiere, and the way her eyes skim over Lily's body, practically undressing her right there on the carpet, makes desire pool in her stomach, and it feels like ages until she can fuck off into the theatre, so tired of photos and interviewers and flashing lights.  
  
Kathryn, of course, follows her, because that's what Kathryn does.  
  
"I can't wait," Lily says quietly, grabbing Kat's wrist and pulling her down the end of the hall to where the toilets are, and the ridiculous grin on Kathryn's face sends both another spark of desire racing though her and a sharp cut of emotion across her heart which makes her want to kiss Kat right there in the hall where everyone can see.  
  
  
;;  
  
  
"This is a very bad place to be doing this," Lily groans, as Kathryn pushes up her dress, bunching it up around her waist, and all Lily can think of, before Kat's hand slips into her knickers and her fingers brush against her clit -- eliciting an  _oh_  that makes Kat flash her a smug grin -- is that everyone's going to know what they've been doing, because the skirt of her dress is going to be so fucking wrinkled.  
  
But then two of Kathryn's fingers press firmly against her clit, and Lily can't think of anything else besides Kat's mouth on her neck, and her fingers moving in rough, quick strokes.  
  
"Oh, fucking  _hell_ ," Lily murmurs, when Kathryn yanks Lily's knickers down to her ankles, drops to her knees in front of Lily and presses her tongue flat against her, nails digging into Lily's thighs, keeping them spread. Lily has to grapple for something to hold onto; her legs feel ready to give out. One hand clutches madly at the wall for support, trying to keep herself steady; the other settles on the back of Kathryn's head, urging her on.  
  
She's on the cusp of an orgasm when Kat suddenly pulls away with a wicked grin; ignoring Lily's whimper of protest. "Don't want you to come that easily," she murmurs, pushing Lily up against the tiled bathroom wall, kissing her roughly, as her hand once more slips between Lily's thighs, two fingers moving inside of her at a maddeningly slow pace.  
  
"Kat," Lily whines in her ear, muscles straining, and Kat grins again and runs her tongue along the curve of Lily's neck. She thankfully takes pity on Lily, however, because the next moment she's slipped her fingers out, is working them in quick, light circles against Lily's clit. Lily bites down on Kat's shoulder when she comes, her legs buckling beneath her; she sags against Kat, spent, who smiles and withdraws her fingers, licking them clean slowly and purposefully.  
  
"I know I've said this before," Lily pants, dizzy, the blood still pounding in her ears, "but you're fucking brilliant, you know."  
  
"I know," Kathryn says, peppering her face with light kisses, before kissing Lily properly on the mouth. "Sorry; I've fucking like, wrinkled your dress."  
  
"Well, I've left a good sized mark on your shoulder, so we're sorted," Lily says, kissing her again; she can taste Kat on her lips and tongue and it sends a lick of arousal low across her belly and fucking hell, she can't wait to get Kathryn home and undressed and like, spread her out on some nice flat surface and do this properly. "Good thing you brought that jacket of yours," she says, as Kat pulls away and gives her room to fix her clothing.   
  
"Why else do you think I wore it?" Kat smirks, ducks out of the toilet stall.  
  
Lily finds her at the counter up front, washing her hands. Kat looks up and smiles at her in the mirror, turns off the water and runs damp fingers through her hair, before fixing her fringe. "I told you not to wear lipstick," she sighs, reaching for the paper towel dispenser.  
  
Lily, brushing her hair in the mirror, laughs. "And  _I_  told  _you_ , I'm awful at this lesbian thing. I always forget about that."  
  
"I just want to be able to snog you without having to duck into the bathroom to wash the lipstick away, that's all," Kat says good naturedly, and kissing Lily quickly on the cheek, tossing the paper towels in the bin beside the door.  
  
Inside the theatre lobby, Megan catches her eye; Lily watches her tug on Kaya's arm, stand on tiptoe and whisper something in Kaya's ear. Kaya's face breaks out into a grin and Lily feels her face growing hot even before Kaya and Meg start walking over to them.  
  
"Where'd you two run off to?" Meg asks with a smirk, once she and Kaya have crossed the room and have rather cornered her. Kat's fucked off to get like, fucking chocolate or whatever; Lily hates being ganged up on.  
  
"Bathroom," she says, trying to sound as nonchalant as possible.  
  
"Oh," Kaya says, arching an eyebrow, and she looks so much like Effy that it's unnerving. "Yeah, alright. I get that."  
  
Luckily Kathryn reappears and instant later and Megan sneers at her. "Honestly, Kat? Do you have to be such a bloody tart? You could have got caught, you stupid twat."  
  
"But we didn't, did we?" Kat says cheekily, and Lily flinches when Kat's arm snakes around her waist, pulling her in, her hand settling heavily on Lily's thigh. "And stop worrying, would you," Kat turns to Meg. "It's not as if anyone's going to catch on to what we've been doing, unless you keep going on about it."  
  
"I just think you should at least try to be a bit more professional about it," Megan grumbles, following as Kaya leaves with a wink and a grin, moving into the theatre. "Come on then," she calls out over her shoulder. "Let's get to our seats before everyone else starts crowding in."  
  
Lily says, "We really should be more careful about it, Kat," but Kathryn's already walking away after Meg and Lily sighs and has to hurry to catch up with her.  
  
  
;;  
  
  
During the film, Kathryn's rests her hand on top of Lily's. Lily isn't sure if it's on purpose or something completely incidental, but she's suddenly overcome with a feeling of the walls closing in all around her, and her heart feels like it's grown too big for her chest. She doesn't pull her hand away, but she doesn't shift and thread her fingers in between Kat's, either. Sometimes it's nice to have things just be simple, like this.  
  
  
;;  
  
  
Three hours later they're in Lily's bed, nursing an alcopop between the two of them, Kat's head on Lily's stomach, tracing shapes with a slender finger on the bare skin where Lily's top has ridden up. It's times like this, Lily thinks drowsily, when she never wants to do anything else but spend all day in bed with Kathryn, just lying here in the comfortable silence that they've come to know so well. She likes that they don't have to talk all the time, that they can just stay in silence for hours and say everything without a single word.  
  
Kathryn sighs and her breath is warm on Lily's skin; she shivers, involuntarily, and she can feel Kat's smile when Kat shifts just enough to press a kiss on her stomach near her bellybutton, lips curving up. Lily drops a hand to her side, ruffles Kat's hair affectionately.  
  
"Tell me a story," Kat says finally, quietly. "Tell me about the first time we kissed."  
  
"You know this story already," Lily says, taking a sip of the alcopop and swirling the contents of the bottle lazily. "I've told you it before."  
  
"I like hearing it, though," Kat says, her fingers resuming the small circles on Lily's skin. "It changes every time you tell it, you know. As if each time you tell it, the world's opening itself up again anew and you're discovering new ways to describe things."  
  
Lily ruffles her hair again and sets the nearly empty alcopop bottle on her nightstand next to the clock. "Alright. I was fifteen and it was at the wrap-up party for our classes at Mountview, remember? I don't know who invited me, because I didn't really talk to anyone -- actually, I think we were all just invited, so that was probably why I was there. And I was outside having a smoke, because I was kind of bored. Okay,  _very_  bored," she corrects after a moment. "I was standing on the back porch looking at the garden; the moon was full that night and you could like, fucking see everything. All washed in pretty white light. And then you came outside."  
  
"Mmm, I'd had too much cider," Kat sighs, her fingers stilling, palm resting flat now on Lily's thigh. "I felt all light-headed and a bit sick. I thought the night air might do me some good, you know?"  
  
Lily plays with the collar of Kat's shirt, fingers occasionally brushing against the soft skin of Kat's neck. "You said, 'Hey soda-pop,' and I said, 'Hello Kathryn,' because I didn't know you very well back then, because we never talked. And then you leaned forward on the railing next to me as I flicked my cigarette away. You said, 'It's so pretty out tonight.' You kissed me."  
  
Kathryn says, "You tasted like smoke and gin," and even with her eyes closed Lily can tell she's smiling, just from the tone of her voice. "Your lips were really soft. And I thought, wow, this is what it feels like to kiss a girl. And you didn't push me away, like I thought you would. If you'd done that, I would have used the excuse that I was right pissed. Which I was, mind you, but that's not why I did it."  
  
"Mm, why did you do it then," Lily says, tired. "We didn't even know each other."  
  
"You were the prettiest girl I'd ever seen," Kathryn says, and she turns in Lily's arms, crawling back up next to her and kissing her slowly, tasting of peaches.   
  
They fall asleep soon after, Kat wearing a t-shirt two sizes too big on her and nothing else but knickers, and Lily in pyjama shorts and a tank top. Sometime in the night she wakes up and pulls the blankets over them, because it's still a bit cold, it being May, and she's overcome with how small Kathryn looks in her sleep. It's not like she's never noticed it before, but it seems oddly important now, like it's significant in some sort of way.  
  
She's too sleepy to be thinking poetic thoughts; she kisses Kat's ear and moves in close beside her, wrapping her arms as best she can around Kat, who mumbles something in coherent in her sleep, half-smiling at whatever it is she's dreaming about, subconsciously nuzzling up against Lily's neck.  
  
  
;;  
  
  
Things aren't perfect.  
  
They fight, more now than they used to before. But  _before_  was simpler, when it was just them and  _Skins_  and Lily could kiss Kat whenever she liked or wake up to Kathryn spooning against her, her breath warm on Lily's neck. And it's different  _now_ , because now they have to work for all those small things, and sometimes it feels like they won't ever get back to that place where they used to be.  
  
(Kathryn's got college and she's got -- well,  _nothing_ , that's the problem.)  
  
And it wouldn't be quite so bad, Lily thinks, if their fights actually  _accomplished_  something, or if they were more than just arguments about why one of them didn't call or text or come over or why Kathryn spent time with Kaya and not her or about how Kat was tired of keeping this all a secret. In the end, they always kiss and make up, sometimes in Kathryn's bed or at the cinema or in the living room when Lily's mum is in the next room over, but it doesn't help. It's become something of a cycle they can't break free from: they fight, they make up, they fight again.   
  
Lily's just tired of it all.  
  
  
;;  
  
  
She ends up telling her mum about Kathryn, completely by accident when she's in a mood because of something Kat said, and she's not sure  _how_  she was expecting her mum to react, but when she surges forward and squeezes Lily in a hug so tight that it threatens to cut off her air supply, she thinks this sort of response is good enough.   
  
(Later, she'll roll her eyes at herself for being so surprised, because her mum was so damn  _pleased_  when Naomi turned out to be a lesbian, and well, the signs were just all right there in front of her.)  
  
Kathryn shows up on her doorstep later to apologise, wearing that a sad look on her face that Lily's unfortunately grown to know so well; Lily doesn't even let her finish her  _sorry_ , just steps forward and crushes their lips together, doesn't pull away until they're both well flushed and gasping for breath.  
  
"I don't want to fight anymore," she says, a little while later, when Kathryn is pressing teasing kisses down her stomach, and it's the completely wrong place and time to be having this sort of conversation, but it just needs to be  _said_ , and she can't hold it in any longer.  
  
Kathryn doesn't respond, of course, just slides down further, her nails digging into Lily's thigh.  
  
Much, much later, when Lily's almost drifted off to sleep, Kathryn says, so quietly that Lily's half-certain that she's only imagining it, "I wish things could be easier."  
  
"They can," she murmurs into her pillow, feels Kathryn's arm slide around her, holding onto to her as if for dear life.  
  
(Maybe she is, Lily thinks sleepily. Maybe they're both drowning.)  
  
  
;;  
  
  
It has to happen, of course, and Lily's just surprised it doesn't happen earlier.  
  
Her pretend-boyfriend shows up at the same club where she and Kat and Meg are, and it's not something that she planned at all, just a complete coincidence, but it just fucks everything up. He's sitting at the table when Kat and Meg get back from the bar carrying their and Lily's drinks, and Lily can see the way Kathryn's eyes instantly narrow as soon as she catches sight of him.  
  
"Who's your friend?" she asks coolly, sliding into the seat beside Megan, who stirs her strawberry daiquiri and looks horridly uncomfortable. "I don't think we've met."  
  
"Oh, he's, well, you know," Lily flounders, and it's only at this point does she realise that Kathryn has never actually  _met_  her pretend boyfriend, and this is all going to be very awkward. "This is my boyfriend," she says after a second, because there's not much she  _can_  say, and Megan chokes on her mouthful of daiquiri and Kathryn scowls and doesn't shake his hand when he offers it.  
  
"Nice to meet you," she says, her tone of voice implying anything but.  
  
Lily flushes, says, "Come on, Kathryn, let's go dance, yeah," and she has to practically force Kat to get out of the booth, grabbing her by her wrist and pulling  _hard_. Kathryn knocks over her martini on her way up, and Megan has to jump forward and catch the glass before it falls to the floor, muttering something about Kat watching what she's doing.  
  
"I don't want to dance," Kathryn says sullenly, once they're in their own little dark corner by the bathroom. "I want to go home."  
  
Lily sighs. "Then go home."  
  
She turns to leave, but Kathryn catches her wrist and pulls her back in, yanking her down and kissing her roughly. Lily pulls away a moment later, wipes her mouth on the back of her hand. "What the  _fuck_  Kathryn," she hisses, glancing around. "We're in fucking  _public_."  
  
"So what," Kat says, with an exaggerated eye roll. "It's not like we haven't done it before."  
  
"Things are  _different_  now," Lily says, and thinks for a minute the Kathryn's going to slap her, the way her eyes flash angrily, but then Kathryn just folds her arms in front of her chest and glares at her.  
  
"Fine," she says, turning away. "I'm going to the bar. Why don't you get your  _boyfriend_  to dance with you?"  
  
  
;;  
  
  
The evening just gets worse.  
  
Megan leaves almost as soon as Lily arrives back at the table, heading for the bar, presumably to find Kathryn. Lily's pretend-boyfriend is working on what appears to be his fifth Magners of the night, judging by the empty bottles in front of him. She slides down next to him with a sigh and he glances over at her warily before passing his half-empty bottle of cider to her.  
  
She drinks it down eagerly, her throat suddenly dry.  
  
"You want to dance?" he asks, once she's set the bottle down with a dull  _clink_.  
  
She glances over at the bar; Kat and Meg are nowhere to be seen.  
  
"Yeah, alright," she says, because it's better than sitting around and waiting for Kathryn to finish sulking and come over and apologise for being a twat.  
  
  
;;  
  
  
When the third song begins transitioning to the fourth, he kisses her.  
  
She knows she really shouldn't kiss him back, but she does, because she doesn't see the harm in it.  
  
Except when she opens her eyes, she can see Kathryn and Megan standing by the bar, both of them staring straight at her, and she  _knows_  that she didn't really do anything wrong, that every single part of this is all for show and she's only doing what Bryan and everyone asked her to do. It's not as if this  _means_  anything; he's just a friend, just a cover, and Kat just doesn't --  
  
"Help," Megan mouths at her, as Kathryn storms off, tugging on her denim jacket and heading for the front door.  
  
"Sorry," Lily says, glancing at her pretend-boyfriend apologetically before hurrying off after her.  
  
  
;;  
  
  
Kat's sitting on the curb outside the club, holding a cigarette between her teeth and trying to get her lighter to work.  
  
"Here, let me," Lily sighs, leaning forward and taking the lighter from her, flicking it once, a tiny flame sparking up. She hold it still while Kathryn inhales with a shaky breath, the end of the cigarette burning a brilliant red-gold colour.  
  
"I can't fucking stand it, you know," Kathryn says, after a long while, and there's the sound of her exhaling heavily and a moment later Lily watches the smoke drift up towards the sky. "You and him; I really can't stand it."  
  
"You're drunk, Kat. Go home."  
  
" _No_ ," Kathryn says, standing up and turning around to face her, eyes narrowed. "You need to listen to me, okay? You have to just fucking  _listen_."  
  
"I am so not in the mood to do this," Lily says tiredly, shaking her head. "Seriously, Kathryn.  _Go home_. We can sort this all out tomorrow, yeah? I don't want to fight and I have to go back inside because he's -- "  
  
For the second time that night, Kathryn's hand shoots forward and catches Lily by the wrist, pulling her back, but Kathryn doesn't kiss her this time, just looks furious and sad and lonely all at once. And then, because it seems like the only right thing to do, Lily steps forward and kisses her very, very slowly.  
  
Kathryn pushes her away clumsily, glares at her.  
  
"Goddamn it," Kat slurs angrily, her nails digging into Lily's wrist. "You're such a fucking slag sometimes, Loveless."  
  
"Oh, that's rich," Lily says meanly. "Pot, this is the kettle."  
  
"Fuck you," Kathryn says. "Fuck you, Lily. I mean, what the fuck? Are you purposely trying to be a huge fucking cunt? Or does it just come naturally to you? You're my fucking  _girlfriend_ ; you shouldn't be snogging some bloke.  _Especially_  one that's as minging as  _he_  is. Jesus Christ," she says, almost in disbelief, shaking her head. "I know that this is like, some sort of fucking game to you or whatever. But it fucking  _hurts_ , Lils. It really fucking hurts."  
  
"Well, what about  _you_ ," Lily says in an accusatory tone, jabbing a finger into Kat's chest, because it's fucked up, that Kat should put all the blame on her. "You flirt with every single pretty girl or fit guy that looks your way. You do  _more_  than flirt. But don't worry, that doesn't hurt at all. It just stings a bit."  
  
"You're a cunt," Kat slurs, looking more upset than angry. "What the fuck, Lily? You're the one running around with some  _boyfriend_ , if you can even call it that."  
  
"It's not the same fucking thing,  _Kathryn_." She has to fight to keep her voice low. "At least we know that's just a fucking  _game_. But you -- I don't know about  _you_. I don't know what this is all about."  
  
Kathryn starts to cry. "It's about me fucking  _wanting_  you, you stupid cow."  
  
"Kat . . . " Lily sighs, reaches forward and pulls her in by the shoulder, squeezing her tightly. "You're a mess when you drink, you know. I wish I -- it's not like I  _want_  to keep this a secret. It's not like I really want to do _any_  of this. But you  _know_  how it is, how we're supposed to act. That's all it is, Kat. Acting."  
  
"I'm sorry," Kat mumbles into shoulder. "I know it is and I just can't -- it doesn't  _mean_  anything, Lily. What I do, I mean. It's all just-- "  
  
"I know, I know," Lily says, gently stroking Kat's hair. "I'm sorry that I, well -- I'm a little pissed too, okay? I shouldn't have -- well. I was just being stupid, is all."  
  
Kat pulls away sniffling, look ups at Lily with watery brown eyes, her face shiny with tears. Lily reaches out and runs her thumb under Kat's eye, wiping away a bit of smeared mascara. "So, are we -- ?"  
  
"Yeah," Lily says, kissing her on the forehead. "Come back to my house tonight, yeah? My mum and step-dad are out. Not like they'd care either way, but, you know."  
  
"Yeah," Kathryn sighs, wiping at her face with her sleeve. "Yeah, alright."  
  
  
;;  
  
  
"You're not still cross with me, are you," Kat murmurs the next morning, when they're sitting in Lily's bed under sky-blue sheets, watching telly, Lily with one-arm wrapped around Kathryn's shoulders, and Kathryn leaning against her, head tucked neatly against the crook of her neck.  
  
"Of course I am," Lily says playfully and when Kathryn twists and looks up at her with a confused expression on her face, Lily grins and kisses her quickly. "No, I'm not," she reassures Kat, who sighs and settles back down. "You know I can't stay angry at you for more than five minutes, Kathryn. I love you too much."  
  
It's the first time she's said it out loud without consciously thinking of it first, she realises after a moment, startled. She kisses Kat's forehead through her fringe, as Kat reaches up and threads her fingers into between Lily's, their hands resting lightly on Kat's shoulder.   
  
Kat says in a quiet voice, "Do you really?"  
  
"Hm?"  
  
"Love me, I mean," Kat says, playing with Lily's fingers.  
  
"What's brought this on?" Lily asks, concerned.  
  
"Nothing." Kat tugs her hand closer to her mouth, kisses her knuckles. Lily sighs softly at the touch, closing her eyes. "I just like knowing, is all."  
  
Lily doesn't say a word, just untangles herself from Kathryn and rolls over, straddling Kat's hips and kissing her as sweetly as she can manage. She cups Kat's breasts with her hands, strokes her thumb against her nipples, and Kathryn whimpers quietly and arches up just slightly. Lily bows her head and kisses her again, before moving to her jawline, kissing and licking her way along it, then down her neck, and further still, until her tongue's circling Kathryn's nipple lazily and her shoulders hurt from Kat digging in her nails.  
  
After several long moments she begins working her way down, tongue brushing lightly against the flat plane of Kathryn's stomach, then along the inside of her thigh. Kathryn's breath hitches when Lily's tongue presses against her in full, and it doesn't take long for her to come with a bit-back moan, jerking against Lily's fingers and mouth.  
  
"I love you," Lily says, moving back up and kissing Kat chastely, holding her until she's managed to catch her breath. "I really fucking love you."  
  
"Good," Kathryn says, still a bit out a breath, grinning ridiculously. "Because I fucking love you too."  
  
  
;;  
  
  
"Tell me a story," Kathryn says, kissing Lily's neck through her hair.   
  
"I think I'm running out of stories to tell," Lily sighs, and when she lies back onto the grass, Kathryn comes with her, reaching for her hand and knotting their fingers together loosely. "What sort of story should I tell you?"  
  
Kat pulls their hands to her mouth, carefully kissing each of Lily's knuckles. "Tell me about the first time that you missed me. Or about the first time you fell in love with me. It doesn't really matter, does it? Because when you realise you've been missing someone, well, doesn't that just mean you realise you're in love with them?"  
  
"Been talking to Meg, have you?" Lily asks cheerfully, closing her eyes and letting the summer sun wash over her. "That's very philosophical of you, Kitty Kat."  
  
"Tell me," Kat says, kissing the back of Lily's hand. "Please."  
  
A long pause.  
  
Lily rolls over onto her side, untangling their fingers and propping herself up on an elbow. "Come here," she murmurs, and Kathryn leans in and meets her halfway in the space between them; she tastes like vanilla and cigarettes and strawberry lip gloss. "I've missed you for far longer than I probably even know," she says, finally, when she pulls away and Kat looks at her with large doe eyes.  
  
"That isn't much of a story," she says, as Lily reaches forward and brushes the cherry-red fringe from her eyes.   
  
"Well, I've only just started it," Lily tells her, and kisses her again.


End file.
